Vast Reserves Of Custard Discovered

The exploration rig ‘Moi Fair Laydee’ moored off Fremington yesterday.

Geologists from the world renown ‘Rockfondlers Organisation’ based in Lyme Regis admit they are ’stumped’ at explaining why such large deposits of raw custard powder have been discovered beneath the Taw estuary just downstream from Little Bideford. Barry Trotter reports: Prospectors from Birds Deserts Resource Investigation Unit have been sniffing around the area for a few months recently and local residents suspicions were heightened with the arrival of the Birds exploration rig ‘Moi Fair Laydee’ last week. Porridge District Council called in the boffins from the ‘R.O’ late last week but it appears it was too late. Since then frenzied activity has been observed from the shoreline after last Friday’s apparent ’strike’ when a large plume of what appeared to be yellow dust shot forth from the rigs main tower showering prospectors & locals alike in a fine sweet tasting powder.
So excited were some Fremington residents that they broke into a nearby field, hijacked a cow and started to make pudding there and then in an old water trough. Local farmer John Deere exclaimed “Oi ain’t never seen the loikes, twoz disgraceful twoz, disgraceful behaviour, speshly after such a clatteration wot did emanate from that there monsterrossity in the river drekly afore they acosted daisy. Bliddy beggers”.
A spokesperson for Birds International Deserts was unavailable for comment although the rig manager Richard ‘Spotty Dick’ Dickinson was overheard saying he “Could’nt wait for the next bonus cheque”, exclaiming he’d be “quids in for sure”. It was just a case of “Finders Keepers” and all “Them bloody yokels could eff off”. Andrew Clanger from The UNESCO Bideford Biosphere team who appeared on the scene late Friday was “dismayed & heartbroken” at this “apparent industrial invasion”. Meanwhile the cow hijackers were asking if anyone wanted seconds.

Council Spend 20K On Alaskan ‘Fact Finding Mission’

A Moose Caught In The Sight Of ‘Fact Finding Councillors’ Yesterday.

An request made by The Daily Llama under the freedom of information act has revealed startling account documentation relating to the recent ‘Fact Finding’ trip by members of Porridge District Council to far away Alaska. Barry Trotter reports:With Porridgeside residents suffering financial woes as a direct result of the global credit crunch, food & heating bills rising almost every day & fuel costs going through the roof all they need now is the double-whammy of having to foot a £20,000 holiday bill for PDC Councillors in their next council tax demand.

The five councillors who partook in the visit, lead by PDC Gruppenfurher Morris Major, well known ‘Eater Of All The Pies’, included other high ranking officials from Waterside Apartments. The main purpose of the trip was to gather information relating to the successful vice presidential nomination of Republican Sarah Rightpaininthearse and to see if lessons learnt stateside could be applied to the PDC constituencies. With local elections looming on the horizon Morris Major defended the decision to make the trip at the expense of local tax payers by saying “If us did learn ow to shoot one of they there mooses loike that Mrs Paininthearse then us do reckon that would stand us in good stead with the lectorate next May”. “If twus good enuff for er then tis good enuff fur uss I do reckon”. “Taint no easy thing to do shoot one of they mooses an that do show us is good at doing tricky stuff dunnit”.

PDC councillors will have to wait until next May to see if the consequences of the trip backfire on them but already a minor typhoon is brewing in the local political teacup with environmental & animal rights activists joining forces to put pressure on Councillor Morris & his PDC “cronies” to repay the costs of their “jolly” to Alaska. Spokeswoman, ‘Moonshine Rainbow Petal’ of the Hartland Hippy Alliance added “Like I can’t believe the arrogance of these shirts man, they are totally disrespecting the environment & animals an stuff yeah, it’s like so bad, it makes me want to weep yeah”.

Have your say about this issue and many others by emailing the Daily LLama on dailyllamainfo@googlemail.com

Well, Well, Wellcombe

Parish Councillor Graham Skinner & the remarkable Well yesterday.

“Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth” so the old saying goes & the meek of the tiny outlying Parish of Wellcombe are feeling quite blessed at the moment as it happens. An ancient well which has lain dormant for many years has suddenly sprung forth with an apparently endless supply of a rather fine Real Ale. Barry Trotter headed West to investigate: Wellcombe Parish Councillor & local Emu farmer Graham Skinner was walking home three Sundays ago after enjoying another fine sermon by the Rev Tom Scaffold when he passed the Ancient St Neckaches Well as he does most Sunday’s. Only that Sunday something slightly peculiar caught his eye. Something ‘Old Peculiar’ you might say. The well was overflowing, not with water as he had first thought but with Ale. Real Ale at that and what turned out to be an exceptionally tasty variety too. Graham takes up the story: “Well I can tell ee I was proper mystified I twus. At firss I thought twus a joke or summut but then I did give it a sniff and then a bit of a slurp out of me and’ and sure as uncle be a dozey barstool it twus beer. Beer! Bliddy ell I thought. Beer roight yer”. “Anyways uss got on the moby to Granfer and ee did come right up frum the top field as fass as the ol Massey would carry ee to confirm wot I did suspect and that was that it twus proper beer, no messin”. “Twus loike a miracle twus, loike a proper miracle”. It soon became apparent that if word got out about the amazing discovery then all hell could let loose. Sharp as a Fox Mr Skinner phoned the other members of the Parish Council and between them they capped the well and lay a pipeline to Mr Skinner garage before the day was out. This was followed up with a quick trip to the Porridge District Council Offices the next morning to register the perpetual rights to the Well & it’s surrounding land. The Parish council plan to market the fine brew, to be known as ‘St Neckaches New peculiar’ to local pubs and the community shop & then plough the profits straight back into the cash starved Community.
Chair of the council Sir Johnny Slugget O.B.E, M.B.E & Star said “We would like to follow the model of the Inuit tribes of North America by allowing the Community to benefit from our ill gotten gains. Our first plan is to re-roof the Village hall and then put some money into developing the kids play park and a refurbished skittle alley. After that we think we shall apply for planning permission for a wind turbine, some affordable housing & a Jacuzzi come Sauna come Swimming Pool complex for the elderly of the Parish. This fortuitous event also means that we can now also run the bars in the hall at the ‘Ye Olde Pubby’ at a 100% profit. Top Hole what!
Oh & Cheers by the way CHEERS!!!!

North Devon 1 ~ South Devon 0

The new DCFS ‘Intelligence’ map.

A recent survey carried out by the DCFS (The Department of Cockups, Fudging & Sludge) has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt what many North Devon Locals has suspected for generations. Barry Trotter reports:
Namely that there is a measurable North South divide across the county with the North winning hands down when it comes to usable braincells. Nothing highlights the issue more so than this weeks news that Torbay Council after nearly 30 years have finally decided to allow cinemas within the borough to show Monty Pythons ‘Life Of Brian’ which was banned on it’s original release way back in 1979. More here.
Whereas Little Bideford residents have been able to see re-runs of it at the Scott Cinema in Old Flatulence Street for ages. Evidence collected over a three month period to back up the findings of the DCFS survey weighed in at over 18,000 pages & had to be delivered to their offices in 15 taxi’s & a Covent Garden based Tuk Tuk. Well known ‘Eater Of The Pies’ Porridge District Councillor Morris Major was quoted as saying “Dunt take no bliddy scientiss to tell ee wot uss as knowed all along do it? They poor b*st*rd* down Torbay way ain’t had the pleasure of laffin themselves sick to that Monty Python nonsense av um. If ee wanted proof then luk no futhur than that mi dear”. It would appear that Mr Majors feeling struck a chord with many. Porridgeside residents, Mrs Edna Edworthy of Upper Lower Baxmanworthy Farm added “Daft beggers”.

Satellite Imagery Sheds New Light On Region

The striking new map based on revolutionary satellite technology

Scientists from the Anglo Regional Space Executive have been pouring over the first images taken by the recently launched Geo-stationary Foodosat. GSF was designed by local rocket scientists in year 9 at Bideford College working in collaboration with engineers from the Weare Gifford Madasahattar Institute. Part of the satellites payload was a sophisticated geo-imaging device designed specifically to search for hidden deposits of Cheese, Angel Delight & Custard. Made from egg boxes and a 2nd hand Kodak digi-cam the imaging device has been re-calibrated to pick up light in the infra-yellow & pink wavelengths. For many years local folklore has hinted at these rich seams of after dinner treats but prospectors have never foundhard evidence. Until now that is. Team leader of the project & College caretaker Dr Patrick Moorish said that the initial results were beyond everyones wildest expectations. “I av to admit that uss did reckon that uss might see a trace of the odd pasty or sandwhich round Woolsery way but not ought like this. Tiz proper viddy loike. Mazin really”.
Now that the findings have been made public some local residents fear a gold rush of 1848 California-esque proportions. Baxworthy Corner pensioner Bridget Edworthysaid ” Oi av seen incomers sniffin’ around the field drekly opposite an they do look up to no good they do. One of um had one o they mental detectors an tuther ad a fork. Up to no good um was, no good at all.” Porridge District Council environment officer Brian Brianson offered words of comfort for all those with concerns about Cheese mining & Angel Delight exploitation. “We are already rolling out an action plan designed to protect all local residents & our beautiful landscape. No one will be nicking our Cheese that’s for sure. Over my dead body.”

One-Horse Town To Become No-Horse Town

32 Year Old ‘Black Bobbin’ at home in his owners garden yesterday.

John Deere, a life long Hartland resident & owner of a 32-year-old horse named Black Bobbin, hasn’t been able to buck a local parish ban on livestock within village limits. It looks like a trip to the Glue Factory for the pensionable old mare after a last minute vote goes against the love-able equine. Barry Trotter reports: After widespread national publicity surrounding the imminent ban that threatened to kick Black Bobbin off his owners 1/2 acre garden pasture where he been born & raised, Hartland Parish Council considered an amendment to the new legislation during last Tuesday nights parish council meeting that would allow horses inside village limits again. But council members ultimately voted 10-2 against adopting it, leaving the ban intact.

Councilwoman Edwina Skinner, a lifelong friend of Mr Deere’s & who has long been a horse supporter said she was “Now resigned to the painful inevitability of small town bureaucracygone mad again” & hoped the issue would die down because “OI can’t get no one to agree with me not no more.”

For such a quiet community where people live to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life, Hartland and its population of 2,035 have had to put up with a fair amount of racket lately. After all the publicity surrounding Peter Rabbit’s fight with the Parish Council, people flocked from far and wide around the country to do some of the lobbying that the horse couldn’t.

Hartland Parish Councillor, John Brown hasn’t been amused by all the publicity at all, considering some of the phone calls he’s received, it’s tough to blame him.

He added that committee members had to turn off the parish answerphone because of all the calls, and the virtual torrent of e-mails “actually crashed our e-mail server fourteen times.”

The horse’s owner, 76-year-old John Deere, said he has raised Black Bobbin since the black horse crossbreed was born in his pasture in the spring of 1976. Deere said there have been horses on the land since his father bought the 40 acres way back in 1935.

Only about 1/2 an acre remains in the family. The rest has been sold to developers. His land was actually annexed in 2006, but John  said he knew “Nought of the nonsense” & no one had not said “Nought about anythin’ to him at the time “Specially nought about having to give up the horse”.
Mr Deere has said he has no intention of complying with the September 15th deadline to remove his equine partner.
He faces the prospect of being fined up to £100 a day if he’s convicted of violating the bylaw.

Red Arrow Relocation

The Red Arrows practising at RMB Chivenor Yesterday

New Ministry Of Defence cutbacks have finally hit the Internationally acclaimed air show display team, The Red Arrows, with the announcement that are to be relocated from their traditional home at RAF Scampton to RMB Chivenor as part of the MOD’s latest ’Entertainment Budget Rationalisation’. Not only are they to move but they must also change display craft from their current & costly Hawker Siddley Hawks to new Raleigh BMX bikes. Barry Trotter reports:Glum faces filled the officers mess at RMB Chivenor yesterday but there was also an air of resignation knowing that the inevitable had to happen one day and that day was today. Originally formed in 1964 as the 6 strong ‘Red pelicans’ the ‘Red Arrows’ came into being the following year and have never looked back, until now that is. The wallet crushing world wide credit crunch has finally hit the ‘Non-essential’ sections of the armed forces with not only the Red Arrows facing cutbacks but the Royal Navy’s Pink Puffins display team being forced to trade their hovercraft for pedalos. Wing Commander Milton of the Red Arrows admits that it’s just a sign of the times and is philosophical about the move. “At least the team gets to stay together and I must admit the beaches here have much better surf than those in Norfolk, so the lads will probably be just as happy”. “Obviously we’ll have to learn a few new skills trading down to the BMX as we have had too, but how hard can it be?”. “There’s not as much G-force to worry about and at least if we crash land they won’t have to ferret about in the undergrowth for days trying to find various body parts. All we’ll have to do is dust ourselves down, put the chain back on and have another crack at it”. “Mounting the smoke canisters has caused a few problems with them catching in the spokes but the techies have done a cracking job putting them under the saddles”. However the Wing Commander does have a few concerns. “My biggest worry is that we won’t get the puncture repair kits we so desperately need and that they will cut our already slim bell allowance, but we will endeavor to deliver an exciting display programme as we have always done. Residents in nearby Braunton were shocked at the news of the move but shop keeper Dave Davidson seemed to speak for many when he said “Whuh?”

Microsoft Announce $44.7 billion Merger

The revised corporate logo for new farming software giant Microvalley

Financial News: Fortune 500 company Mole Valley Farmers announce $44 billion merger with Microsoft to form the largest farming software giant on the face of the planet. Art Kerfuffle reports: From it’s humble beginnings in a rented shed at the back of the Holsworthy Cattle Market car park Mole Valley Farmers had grown into one of the largest farming suppliers in the South West but they are about to enter the global market big time with the announcement of a merger with software giant Microsoft. In what is being seen by many analysts as confirmation of Microsoft’s new diversification plans and supporting evidence that acting CEO, John Conner’s, is certifiable, Microsoft have bid a staggering $44 billion dollars for Devon based agricultural powerhouse. Conner’s is quoted as saying that “It is Microsoft’s firmly held belief that we can reach a much wider global market place with the acquisition…erm..sorry… partnership of Mole Valley farmers”. “We believe that only good can come of the collaboration and we are already looking into ways of marrying Virtual Earth Technologies, faster upstream data tunneling & SQL database rationalisation with muck spreading and silage cutting. John Deere head of operations at Mole Valley said at today’s press conference that “Twas proper viddy of that there Bill gates to point Mr Conner’s in our direction afore he fetched his coat and packed his box”. “We is ellish excited bout’ the prospects of integrating Windows Vista, Longhorn, XP Pro & Win 3.1with our slurry tanks & bush wackers, tiz the way forward an make no mistakes”. According to sources within the Government the monopolies & merger commission may be called in to investigate the buy in/sell out in relation to the future availability of cow-pat based motherboards.

No Snow Ban In Porridgeside Says Major

Snowmen & women will be safe this winter on Porridgeside.

Morris Major, Leader of Porridgeside District Council, & self confessed ’Eater Of All The Pies’, has publicly announced that his council will not surf the current politically correct wave, that breaks on the reef of bureaucratic red tape nonsense by following Cornwall County Councils lead in banning snows. Barry Trotter reports: Morris Major has bravely placed his head squarely on the “Go on…I dare you” chopping block this week by announcing that PDC will not copy the recently announced ’Cornish political madness’ as he see’s it.  As from December 2008 Cornwall will ban snow of any sort, at any altitude, any depth and any flake size, right across the county. The CCC press release says that the ban is needed in light of the racist nature of snow, with racial harmony high on the political agenda snow is now deemed to offer a mono-chromatic view of the world no longer in line with a culturally diverse nature of a modern society. Snow’s political allegiances are seen as ‘Out of step with a modern, forward thinking 21st Century society. To Councillor Major & many members of PDC this is the final straw in a world dominated by political correctness gone mad, the CCC decision has been like a “Red rag to a bliddy gert angry Bull, oh moi dear tiz an make no mistake”, added Councillor Major ” I never thought I’d live to see the day, I juss dun unnerstand it. Tiz’ mental, Proper Mental!”, “Snow is snow is snow is snow and there baint nought you can do bout’ it, Granfer always said ‘Let sleepin dogs lie’ an that do say it all I do reckon”. “We as a commoonity muss not let this lunacy cross the border, us won’t let it infect our beloved Devon”. “Them bliddy Cornish is always up to no good, trouble makers every bliddy one of um”. Local MP Geoff Pippen added “I fully support Mr major & all the members of PDC – Bah humbug”

Massive Increase In UFO Sightings

The ‘North Devon UFO’ photographed yesterday.

The last few days of August have seen a massive increase in reports of a large golden disc shaped object floating high in the sky. The brightly glowing object has momentarily appeared from behind cloud formations only to dodge back behind them as quickly as it appeared, Art Kerfuffle reports: Switchboards at the Little Bideford Police Station have been jammed of late with a huge surge in sightings & reports of what is rapidly being known as ‘The North Devon UFO’. Eye witness reports exclaim how the UFO appears in a blast of blinding light and hovers stationary high in the sky playing hide & seek with observers from behind clouds. Some witness’s claim to have suffered from radiation burns when watching the golden disc for any length of time. Royal Air Force Officials have ruled out any confusion with military flight operations & a spokesperson for the CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) said that there appeared to be no correlation between sightings of the UFO and airline flights. BBC weather man David Brian also ruled out any ‘Atmospheric anomalies’ causing the ‘unusual sightings’. Local expert Clive Potter, spokesperson for the NDUS (North Devon UFO Society) said on the phone from his secure unit ask “What further proof do Gordon Brown & his blinkered cronies need! UFO’s exist! & their occupants are preparing for imminent invasion. Citizens of planet earth our time of reckoning is coming soon”. John Deere local business & entrepreneur said “No comment”.